From a tomboy to a woman......... a chat with a 25 year old!

" your shirtis torn again!!!!!!" my mum would exclaim! the pre teen years of my life were spent listening to this exclamation every second day.But it was not my fault! you tell me, if you were pushed or shoved wont you retaliate? you would right?? well i used to do just the same!! if my shirt got torn, i made sure the guilty party did not have a stitch left intact either. i was one of the boys, a sports freak would play every sport that could be played, my favourite being soccer! the mere energy level of the game used to give me an adrenaline rush and make my mum wonder if i had testosterone developing inside me instead of oestrogen. how i wish her fears were true, but alas oestrogen took over and suddenly soccer became a totally different ball game for me as well as for the boys playing with me!! since i had bigger balls on my side, i had to withdraw! and with good bye soccer ended the pre teen phase of my life. with torn shirts, bruises and swollen eyes!
Born to a fairly affluent family, with my dad being an investment banker and mum being a doctor, i had all the amenities required for a blossoming adolocent to look good.But in my case it was an out n out tragedy!!i was so sure that when i was being made god must have gone for a walk and one of his assistants trying to be a smart ass must have tried a hand at me and so the end result was such a disaster despite my parents being so good looking i posed a pathetic picture.my arms were too thin, legs too long,nose too prominent, teeth coming out and to top that the perils of 'chadhti jawani' my hormones were going beserk and i was dying to be kissed. But between me and my first kiss came my Dentist! no no please dont think that he tried to kiss me... though at that point of time i think even that would have sufficed. it was those wretched braces that kept me away from men's embraces,then came KARAN, the first love of my life, tall fair with a dimpled smile. when he was around i used to behave like a freakin puppy! and surprise surprise... he even took notice of me, man i was on cloud nine... a guy was paying me attention wow! but like every love story mine ended with a tragedy too, he wanted my best friend and i mis read his intentions!!!I was heart broken, devastated like kajol in kuch kuch hota hai... the movie had released around the same time as this mishap in my life and i watched it 10 times....finally coming to terms with the fact that love is not for ugly ducklings like me. sigh!!!
All this while my parents had been really supportive, despite me having the usual generation gap issues with them. My dad used to say that i was the most beautiful girl he s ever laid his eyes on... and i used to tell him that he says it just to make me happy... but secretly it did make me feel nice. Slowly i had started getting more comfortable in my skin, not really great at acads but my records in extra curricular activities was par excellance from bein the school sports captain to winning laurels in debates and dance competitions. you name it and i was there. I was still one of the boys, with the only difference being i could no longer do a chest thump with them, if they had a chance i m sure they would ve qued up for it, i always had loads of aquaintances but very few friends..... and they are with me even today,
Come college and my entire life took a paradigm shift, suddenly men were falling for me left right and center, and to say that i did not enjoy the attention would be the biggest lie of the centuary I WAS LOVING EVERY FREAKIN BIT OF IT!! and guess the sudden attention led me to get into a number of mindless relationships, some just for the sex, some just for attention and some just to be a part of the crowd, it was the 'IN' thing to be seeing someone and so we all followed the trend, not realising that in the process we were internally damaging ourselves. i dont remember the names of half the men i dated in college, and now when i look back i dont feel very proud of myself. The second time i fell in love i was cheated on... and so for a long time i was totally off men, but i still flirted. now thats my forte, i cant stop myself from flirting for me itsmore like getting into a mans psyche reading it and moulding it as per me,thats a reason why i took up psychology as a subject to major in. But when it came to choosing a career being a clinical psychologist seemed too boring, i wanted to do something taht was more fun more interesting more of a peoples job and so bartending....i always enjoyed watching the bartenders work at a pub or a theque, especially the way they juggled the drinks and enjoyed seeing getting sloshed around them, and another aspect of the profession that intrigued me was that it had fewer women than men... and so bartending it was for me.
To say that my parents were aghast is an understatement.. but once they saw how determined i was they relented,and anyways with them by now living in the states facing the rest of the society was no longer and issue for them so they were a bit easy on me.With my job came all the independence i dreamt of own house, an suv finally ( ahem! a safari, who s instalments i am still paying!)and a life of my own. but my knight in shining armour was still no where in sight... not that i didnt meet men, i met plenty of them, and all of them wanted to have coffee at my place! saale akeli ladki dekhi nahi ki cofee aa gayee dimaag mai!! but i was not interested in casual relationships anymore and more importantly didnt want to fall for the wrong guy.
All this was me one yr back.......as i write it now i am no longer living alone in my apartment, i am sharing it with tanmay,Tnmayl is someone i met a year back on my trip to ladakh, i would not say that we hit it off instantly, infact he was there with a girl, but as we got to know each other more we realised we were two very different people who totally complimented each other. He is a banker(jst like my dad, girls have this funy quirk of falling for men who are like their fathers, and i am no exception to this rule) an avid reader (and i always ask him HOW????) more stable and sorted in the head but at the same time shares my passion for adventure and dance, wow!dosent he fit my description of my ideal man? my folks adore him, and he thinks i am the best thing that could have happened to him .sometimes i think what if my parents would not have accepted him??? I still would ve stuck on to him... because i know for sure i am right and my parents would have had to come around!
So thats me mihika for you... a little less tomboyish a little more feminine but the same freak at heart. My dad still says i am the most beautiful woman he ever laid his eyes on and you know what now i believe him.

LOVE

The Question,

Intensity and passion,

longing and lust,

a pandora of emotions,

Is This Love?

Poets say its magical,

cynics call it need,

lovers swear by its purity,

saints describe it as a self less deed.

Love is blind they say,

a curtain covers your eyes

but why is it that the curtain,

raises,

the moment one is man and wife,

fondness is replaced by irritation ,

and thus begins the blaming game,

everything is your fault,

nothing just remains the same.

Is This Love?

Poets say its intoxicating,

cynics call it manipulating,

lovers find it worth dying for,

saints call it an emotion,

even the god's are vying for.

Love is like a beautiful dream,

thy say,

a dream that never breaks,

then why is it with every passing time,

it becomes a nightmare,

from which you want to wake.

your pulse still races,

but not with anticipation,

it is with frustration,

that sets in when,

one is faced with deception.

Is This Love?

Poets keep it next to god,

cynics find it suffocating,

lovers say its an addiction,

saints find it liberating.

The Answer,

An emotion that creates bonding,

A feeling that touches lives,

the basis of every relationship,

with the power to heal,

and put to life,

an essence present in everyone,

be it man or beast,

an absence felt hauntingly,

but its presence felt the least,

a pandora of emotions,

righty said,

but its these emotions you see,

which together make an antidote,

to put an end to the world's miseries.

This Is Love.

COMPARISON

They Say,

Look at him how his armour shines,
vlour and courage is what he defines,
look at his walk,
so full of grace,
the glow of victory ,
on his face,
look at the strength,
that he displays,
the instrument of success,
that he plays,
look at the smile,
that plays on his lips,
The expensive wine ,
he elegantly sips,
Look at the beauties,
flocking him,
the jealousy in the eyes,
of the men stalking him.

And Now,

Look at you ,
so frail and weak,
in contrast to valour,
so timid and meak,
Look at you,
with your sloppy gait,
shuffling stride ,
and an ugly face,
failures follow you like a stream,
Look at you living in your,
world of dreams,
No one wants to listen,
to you talking,
Look at you,
subjected to constant mocking,
So oblivious of the world around,
Living life at your whim,
would do you a lot of good,
if you try to be more like him.

I Say,

valour is not only for soilders,
strength is not just physical display,
The sloppy gait ,
could be of an artist,
in whos mind colours play,
To be popular is an onus,
not being one should not be a crime,
If winning a battle is a display of talent,
so is having a sense to rhyme,
Its not my stride,my face,my gait,
that breeds in love for him,
and for me hate,
its the comparisons that you make,
which make me worthless and,
glorify him as great.
You would start respecting me,
and understanding my so called whim,
the day you stop comparing ,
me with him.

A DYING WOMAN

Worn and wasted,

tired and torn,

my spirit is shattered,

like a cloth shorn.

Lying on my deathbed,

waiting to die,

i close my eyes ,

and the past is revived.

The past filled with memories,

both bitter and sweet,

taking me back to that ol street,

with houses so familier,

and faces so dear,

a chilhood of beautiful dreams,

sans any fear.

Promising a future,

Ah! so bright,

with troubles and sorrows,

no where in sight.

An uncurbed spirit,

a soul so free,

unaware of the chains,

binding a woman to be.

The chains grew slowly,

like the roots of a tree,

firming their hold,

over my destiny.

The once boyant spirit,

stifling a scream,

pained by the sight,

of destroyed dreams.

The noose grew tighter,

as age set in,

burning dreams to ashes,

killing all desires within.

The spirit lost the battle,

slowly beginning to die,

the walls closing in,

choking the last cry.

The last cry of agony,

pain and despair,

I lie waiting to let go,

of a life so unfair.

As death spreads its blanket,

like dark clouds over me,

i close my eyes smiling,

yerning to be free,

of all the social evils, perils

and atrocities.

For they can kill my body,

my mind,my spirit, my zeal,

but the soul would remain untouched,

and live on for eternity.

LSD....Love Sex Aur Dhokha Darling!

Despite reading numerous facebook status messages ostracising L S D , labelling it as dark, senseless, and an absolute crap in the name of cinema......I decided to be bold and actually go and experience crap myself. But i was in for a surprise,because not only was the movie NOT crappy, it was an entirely different cinematic experience. It also got me introspecting on the parochial though process of the Indian audience, its almost as if the age old notion of movies and cinema is sacrosanct, any deviation is is an anathema.
The most appealing aspect of love sex aur dhokha is the different cameras being used to shoot the film, which are not high end but the basic handycam and spycam. Makes u realise that to make a movie all u need is an idea and creative intelligence mediums are plenty and need not be exorbitantly expensive. The movie deals with honour killing, sting operations and MMS scandles, woven into three short stories interlinked with brilliant editing. The characters are extremly real and the storyine as stark as it can get. Kudos to Dibakar Banerjee for attempting something so different and making a success out of it yet again.
Critics of the movie call it dark and random, but i feel they completely failed to see the beauty of the randomness. Cinema is suppose to be made for entertainment, but then why should the concept of entertainment remain cliche? Only if people treated cinema as a form of expression and watched it for its novelty rather than trying to realise their dreams of a utopian world through it, they would be able to give due credit and respect to movies like LSD which are an attempt at taking the art of film making to the next level.

And i wish i got my childhood back

While taking a post dinner stroll with a friend in my apartment complex,suddenly my eyes fell on the deserted children s play area, with slides ,swings ,see saw and sand ........... and suddenly it was like a trip down the memory lane.Needless to say that we shed all our pseudo adult inhibitions  for a while and became like seven year olds again, and to say the feeling was exhilarating would be an understatement.
But it also got me thinking on why do we discard these small pleasures of life as we grow up?? Why, as we climb up the age ladder, we keep leaving the curious, inquisitive and fun elements of our life behind? and soon we reach a point where we completely loose them. Sad is it not? As a child i always used to wonder why dont the adults come and play like we do? or why dont they shout in glee when the swing takes them higher? They always seemed to have an expression on their faces which i could not identify with, much later I realised that was Worry!Now an adult, i still feel the same when i look at my fellow adult beings. Not that i do things any differently from others ...Iam very much what a child would describe as a quientessential 'BORING' adult...... but this adult more than often misses the child she was.
Life has a funny pattern, as children we cant wait to grow older. Birthdays are the only highlights of a year apart from summer and winter vacations.Life is all about homeworks and playing with friends. School is a routine thats eagerly awaited. Nothing seems mundane and we just NEVER get bored. There is always something to do, something new to discover, some random rule to break, some prank to play or if nothing else then there is the favourite cartoon movie to be watched again and again, and it manages to capture our rapt attention even the hundredth time. Life is uncomplicated to the hilt, but then we humans have the tendency to be drawn towards complications right from the minute we are born, and thus we are in a hurry to grow older.Everyone old looks like an enigma and one cant just wait to get there......
Adoloscence brings along with itself hormones, pimples,boyfriends,girlfriends,gossip sessions,crank calls,love at first sight, heart breaks and mills n boons(to mend broken hearts) but the curiosity is still alive, the zeal to explore life, the zest to take the world by a storm, the hunger to succeed, the passion and love for life, the desire to experience first love, and therefore the innocence is still intact. We have not yet been engulfed by adulthood and its defined boundries.
So, come adulthood and there goes your curiosity and free will for a complete toss. Life suddenly becomes LIFE( as if it was something else all this while!), birthdays are dreaded, it seems like a task to be innovative and inquisitive, the feeling of been there done that is predominant and there sets in a monotany which is enhanced by stress at work and compounded by domestic responsibilities. Being tied down by social norms and compulsions, suddenly one ceases to live  life for himself. Its all about living life the right way, and your path unfortunately is chartered out by everyone else except you. Burdened by the expectations to be an ideal grown up, we loose the child in us who taught us to savour the simple pleasures of life. Suddenly life seems like an endless journey,which once upon a time was a joyride.
The swing today made me realise it need not be like this. We need not loose the child in us in order to please the adults in others. Being socially bound is a grounding factor which is essential in everyones life but being socially burdened is a liability that can be done away with. Growing up physically cant be revoked, but you can definitely decide how old would the child in you grow,and believe me it should not grow beyond 13.

Reservations - to be or not to be

Since a long time different governments have tried to battle out the women's bill in the parliament alllocating 1/3rd of the seats in lok sabha and state assemblies to women. The bill if passed would definitely change the way democracy functions in India, but whether it would bring about radical changes and lead to women empowerment is yet a very debatable topic.
I personally am quite averese to the idea of reservations and quotas. Instead of uplifting a certain section of the society , it gives them unnecessary cushioning  and extra leverage. By this logic, I am not insinuating that the backward and the subjugated sections of the society dont need to be encouraged. But the encouragement and development should be at the grass root level not superficially.
To empower a woman or to give a girl child rights at par with a boy in the society, both of them should be given an equal platform and opportunity to flourish, one should not be given an advantage over the other.In my opinion, the concept of reservation alleviates inequality rather than emancipation. For instance,when the so called backward castes make it to the premiere institutes of the country they are somewhere looked down upon, there is a hidden resentment at the special treatement meated out to them.  It is most commonly felt that on pure meritorial basis they dont deserve what they have got, because it was made easy for them through reservations. A point that is worthy of introspection is that has the mandal commission really managed to ensure emancipation and upliftment of these opressed sections of the society? Statistics tell us a different story.A large chunk of people availing  quotas belong to the middle to higher income group, hence indicating that this section of the apparently backward India did not need previlages. Ironically those who would genuinely benefit are not qualified enough. Therefore, there is a greater need for change and development at the grass root level. Similarly for women having reserved seats in the parliament, these seats would be primarily contested by scions of the political families, extended relatives of current politicians or women from influential families, thereby carrying forward the patriarchial framwork through a different via media, how is a common Indian woman being empowered here?
A country in which a girl is not educated, because the money spent on her education would rather be saved up for her dowry, will not suddenly awaken if there are reservations for that women in the parliament. But yes, if the government makes that education free and mandatory, then there definitely will be a perceptable change. A man who is poor would not educate his daughter because now its palpably easier for her to make it to the parliament, but he would definitely educate her if it is free and easily accessible. To redeem the cache of  Indian women the government must take concrete steps at giving them sound education, strict laws protecting their rights and honour, encouraging small scale industries and self employment, easily accessible loans and equal rights to property and land holdings, all of which would instill self belief in them to go out and put up a fair fight with any male counterpart sans any reservations or bills or quotas.
It is not possible to change a society and its norms overnight, but it most definitley is possible to bring about substancial changes within its realms, and that clearly is the need of the hour to ensure empowerment of women and the backward sections of the society.